This blog series is pretty simple: Could I beat any given animal in a fight?

No, this is not a fight to the death. Think of it more like those fight videos you scroll passed on social media. Every now and then you’ll watch one a little closer, and probably declare a winner in your head. I’m not needing to kill these animals to be declared the victor. In fact, I would not want to kill (most of) these animals. It’s a simple man vs. beast battle where I need the judges to score it my way. I almost called this series Man Vs. Beast but when I looked it up I found a tv show in the early 2000s with that name. I couldn’t very well have people thinking they were getting episodes of that show, only to arrive here instead! Rumble Against the Jungle it is!

Anyway, each blog will feature a different animal, with me giving my honest strategy and opinion on how I think it would go. I will do my best to be as fair as possible in my judgements. 

Here is how I stack up:

  • 5’10”
  • 170 lbs
  • 34 years old

Strengths

  • Endurance
  • Bendy, (some may even describe me as slippery, just not as slippery as my brother)
  • Scrappy (there have been times where I start seeing red and go a little cuckoo)
  • Strategic
  • Calm under pressure
  • Proven winner (not to brag but I’ve won my family Olympics two years in a row)

Weaknesses

  • Puny wrists (although they are bendy)
  • Bad hips (you’ll read about those later)

Fight One: Alligator 

Alligator, crocodile, who cares. One is slightly bigger, their snouts maybe differ a bit, maybe they have a different amount of teeth. I don’t care. I’ve always thought more highly of alligators because sports teams are named the gators way more often than the crocs. In fact, people associate crocs with footwear at this point. Anyway, put me in the ring against either. Or one after the other, even. Not both at once mind you, that’s just ridiculous. 

Strategy

I wouldn’t take this fight in the water. That’s like playing Rafael Nadal on clay. This would be a land battle. 

Movement wise, I would be very hoppy. The way I see it, that gator is staying low to the ground. I’d be hopping early to establish my height dominance over this pathetic, stuck to the ground gator. 

Next up, back control. I’ve seen my share of Crocodile Hunter Episodes. If you can get control while on the gators back, you’ve won the match. Again, I do not need to then snap his neck. Think of the street fight videos. If you were to see a dude hopping around, and then see him on the gator’s back, you would scroll past that video thinking “that dude just won that fight.” That’s all I need. 

It’s important to note that I’d be moving side to side quite a bit. Gators have good speed, but their side to side quickness? Lacking. I’m moving left-right-left-right over and over. My approach on gaining back control would be to commence that operation while behind the gator. Essentially, I’m just trying to avoid the face. The one way I could lose this battle is if it’s jaw crushes down on me. So basically, I’m hopping, I’m laterally moving, I’m attacking from behind, and I’m taking control of the back. 

Result

As far as I’m concerned, I am 1-0!

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